Drug of Choice

Dean was a low life coke head.  He hadn’t always been this way.  When Jamie first met him in college, he was the most charming person she had ever met.  He was her drug of choice.  She couldn’t get enough of him.  All the little things Dean did for her made her fall even harder for him.  After six months, she would do anything for him.  Of course, that was when he was healthy.  She couldn’t understand addiction, how it never goes away.  After three horrible nights behind the bar, Dean snapped.  He couldn’t take being the shit-drop anymore.  He couldn’t stand listening to other people’s problems, and supposedly getting drink orders wrong.  He knew he was good at his job.  The fast pace, the hustle, and the free flowing booze in the bar was just enough to make him slip and make the phone call.  At first, Jamie thought it was a one off.  After two months of incessant mood swings, constant ups downs, yelling jags, and abuse that she had written off, Jamie realized this was not the man she fell for so hard.

She did everything she could in her power to try to get him clean.  She flushed his stash at first.  Dean was coming down off of his high, irritated as all hell, he picked her up by her shirt, feet off the ground, and threatened her.  She blamed the drugs.  Her Dean would never say such vile things.  A week later, she deleted his dealers number off his phone when he was passed off, down from his high, thinking that he wouldn’t notice.  But he did.  He wasn’t dumb.  He knew where to find Will.  He always did and always will.  She realized that too late.  When he came home with his score, he did more than just lift her up and verbally abuse her.  He whacked her across the face with an open palm.  He told her, “I love you, I don’t want to hurt you but don’t mess with my shit.”  Jamie still thought this was the drugs talking.  She had more faith than she should in Dean.  She wouldn’t let on to her girlfriends that anything was wrong at home.  She was so eager to help Dean, that under the false pretense of going on a romantic getaway, she drove him to rehab.  He couldn’t be held, and when they got home, he threatened her life.

At this point Jamie was prepared.  She knew her Dean had loved her.  But this wasn’t her Dean.  This was Drug Dean.  Between the second and third attempts, she bought a gun.  She just meant to scare him so he wouldn’t hurt her.  She was smart and realized the violence level was escalating every time she tried to help and that his mood swings were worse as the weeks went on.  Dean grabbed the large kitchen knife and was waving it around like he was a character from Psycho, Jamie knew what she had to do.  She tried to reason with him.  Just until she could reach the bed.  She grabbed her colt and held it firm in her hands, and told him to stop.  She asked him where the old Dean was, the Dean that bought her fresh flowers from the farmers market every Sunday, the Dean who would put a note on her pillow when he left for work early to sign for a delivery, and the Dean who promised to love her forever.  She told him that waving a knife was not love.  Saying these things made her waver and weep, holding the revolver.  But they only infuriated Dean.  He felt he hadn’t changed.  He told her that she was lucky to be with him, and who else would love her the way he did with her baby voice and incessant need to correct grammar usage, knowing those were her biggest insecurities.  He crept toward her with the knife held upright, and Jamie out of fear retreated, tightening her whole body including her trigger finger, and shot the love of her life.

The next thing she knew Dean was on the floor, blood was pooling quickly.  In a panic, she grabbed her duffel, threw underwear, jeans and t-shirts in and a picture frame of her and Dean from the happy times and ran out.  Logically she knew it was self defense, but she couldn’t stand being there.  She hit the road, changed her name to Sara, and never looked back.  The classic blonde was now a stunning brunette with blue eyes and no family or friends from back home.  Whenever someone asked her about that photo, she would simply say, “Its just someone I used to know.”


Love at First Sight

James gave Madison a loving kiss on the forehead with their arms entwined as they were waiting for their greasy late night food outside in unusually chilly weather.  A gesture so sweet she thought.  Three weeks ago they hadn’t even known each other, and now they were madly in love.  They saw each other whenever they could.  He would come over to her bar when he finished work, and on her days off she went to his restaurant to eat.  And on those lucky nights they both had off, it was unlikely they were to let go of each other.  As a chef, James was able to take her to all the premium restaurants in town to sample their cuisine while he was making his restaurants new menu.  They had never run into each other, but they frequented the same bars, and always ordered the same drink without consult.  They could talk for hours about anything and make it seem like only minutes had gone by.  It was obvious what had happened three weeks ago had been the start of something magical.

They were set up by three mutual friends.  James had been quiet and reclusive, and everyone thought he needed to get out more.  Beautifully contrasting him, Madison was boisterous, friendly and got along with most everybody.  There was “Papa”, also known as Jeff, he was the bar manager at James’s restaurant but before he managed Madison’s bar for 10 years.  “Papa” was a title given to him because he was older, wise and very well respected.  He lived up to his title and was a father figure to many who needed it.

Jeff and the restaurant crew showed up one evening and it changed the course of two lives forever.  James saw Madison the first moment he walked in.  He didn’t know that being in the front of the bar greeting patrons was her job, but knew he wanted all 5’9″ of her.  She was tall, curvy in all the right places, and had a twinkle in her eye that made her stand out amongst any other girl he had ever seen.  He knew he was too shy to talk to a girl like that though.  Jeff and his crew brought him there for a exactly that reason.  Both Jeff and Jorge encouraged James to ask Madison out that night.  They were met with no success.  Feeling overwhelmed, James went to the bar to get another drink.  Russell the bartender and a close friend, all on his own, said that he should go out with Madison.  At that point, James was wondering if this was a big conspiracy or if there was something to this.  He went back to the booth and sat down and told Jeff what Russ said.  And Jeff laid it out for him.  Papa said, “Madison is single now, she is fun and outgoing and I think the two of you would have a great time together.  I know both of you really well.  Trust me.”  James already knew he was attracted to her, and not just for the physical reasons.  He saw the twinkle in her eye and it connected with something in his soul.  So he gave in.  He asked, “Ok, how do I do this?”  Papa’s answer was simple.  He suggested James give her his card with his new title and promotion on it, “Sous Chef.”  James was the youngest person to be given that title in many many years at his five star restaurant.  He thought it was cheesy, but it was all he had.

It was a slow night at work for Madison, and she saw the whole restaurant crew roll in.  She knew most of them, but a few new faces.  One got her attention almost immediately.  He had the prettiest, most entrancing eyes she had ever seen.  There was just something about him, something she could only describe as extraordinary but it was more than that, she couldn’t put her finger on it.  After a while, she went to the bar to set her tray down, rest on her elbows a bit and she chatted with Russell.  This was forbidden because it made the waitresses look lazy, but since it was slow the manager didn’t reprimand her.  After working with each other for nearly a year, they had a very close relationship.  Being a gossip hound Madison questioned Russ until he gave up the goods on the restaurant crew, which wasn’t hard seeing as they were close; but Russ knew Maddie liked the feeling of triumph, so he held out a bit.  He let her know that someone over in that booth was interested in her.  But when he tried to point out who, something was lost in translation and she thought it was the other new face, not the one for which Madison was hoping.  It was a let down, but he was cute too, and she always made vodka lemonade out of lemons.  A little while later, James came up to her and started talking.  She was taken a gasp.  Madison was sure she was hallucinating.  He was shy, she nervously carried a lot of the conversation but at the end, he handed her his business card with his phone number on the back and said , “So…call me, maybe?”.  When she felt the weight of the card in her hand, she knew this was real.   Maddie had to do a lot to keep herself from not jumping up and down right then and there.

A few weeks later, they were standing together facing each other cradled in each others ams, waiting for some late night food when he gave her a kiss on the forehead.  He confidently said, “I’m so glad I had the courage to come up and talk to you”  And quietly, taking a deep breath and a sly smile, drawing his embrace closer Madison said, “Me too” as she nuzzled up to him.

Original Sin part III

It had been a full week of guilt for Eve, of knowing that she had fallen for and kissed a married man.  The worst part for her though, was that she still had feelings for him and that he was part of her social circle.  After a week of heavy thinking, she decisively picked up her phone, and texted Adam.  Just a few simple words, but the power behind them was significant.

Eve: So are we still friends”

It took only a few moments for Adam to respond as if he had been thinking about all the same things.

Adam:  Of course!  Always 🙂

And with that Eve took a huge sigh of relief.  It wasn’t the relationship that she was looking for, but she knew he wasn’t going to disappear on her.  She didn’t know what the future held, but there was the possibility of one.  And that started to weigh on her as well.

Eve finally confided in Alex.  Alex had always been there for her in her darkest moments, and Eve knew that she wouldn’t judge her for what had transpired.  She knew girlfriends like Alex were hard to come by, and one you have them, you don’t let go.  She would have spoken with her earlier, but somethings you just want to hold onto and keep to yourself, and this was one of them for Eve.  Alex reassured her that she did nothing wrong.  And you cannot help who you fall for.  She shed some light on the subject that helped Eve cope with the situation.

Her boyfriend Erik had spoken with Adam over drinks a few nights ago according to Alex where he confessed to what had happened and what he was feeling.  Adam said that Eve was the most beautiful girl that he had ever seen in real life and that he couldn’t stop thinking about her, and that he really does like her.  But he would never cheat with her.  And that he’s in a relationship, and yes he’s married.  But he only married his girlfriend so she could stay in the country.

Hearing all of this put Eve into a fluster to say the least.  But for now she knew there was something more deep down between Adam and herself, and that was a comforting notion, even if it was a little wrong on one level.  She knew she wasn’t making this up.  And that put her at ease.  Adam might not be married traditionally, but he did have a girlfriend, and that was nothing Eve could get her mind around.  Later on in the evening after a glass of wine or two, Alex and her were joking around, laughing at their stupid jokes, and Eve knew that this wasn’t a problem for now, maybe not even for later.


Original Sin part II

Original Sin Part I

The two grabbed the shots off the bar, Adam said, “To the birthday girl,” Eve responded, “To new friends” taking every chance she could to make her mark on this man.  Their rather large shot glasses finally made their pass at each other, and down went their Washington Apples.

Adam couldn’t just stand around.  He was always moving, playing, thinking.  This was his nature.  So it came as a shock to Eve that after their shot he took off and went over to Erik and started punking around.  He was so full of life.  Eve, in all her prowess, stood there in shock.  Was she just abandoned on her birthday by a guy?  Not just any guy, but by someone who works in a lab, she thought?  No, that couldn’t be right.  She knew that he wasn’t just any lab geek, but she had to say those things to justify what had just happened to her.  She watched him interact with Erik and their lab mates, and it confirmed her original thought.  After a few obligatory moments with the guys, Adam returned to her side where he felt like he belonged.

The two of them found a quiet spot in Eve’s apartment where the party was going quite strong, despite the birthday girl’s absence.  They engaged in conversation, and no matter what they seemed to speak about, they enthralled each other, and found some common ground where otherwise one would think there might not be any.  It was quite the unlikely pairing.  At one point they brought out their playlists, and compared notes, on which Sublime song they thought was best.  They both agreed that 40 oz. to Freedom was by far their best accomplishment, but differed on song choice.  What really got Eve was Adam’s taste for a small band and song that she was the only one who liked and knew; at this point, she was really starting to think there was something more to this guy.

The party was winding down, Eve paid the bartender and caterer for the small amount of work that he did.  And slowly everyone was leaving.  But nothing could take away from the time she was spending with Adam.  It was if they were the only two people in the universe.  After hours upon hours of talking about growing up, school, jobs, the stupid movies only they seemed to love, when there was nothing left to talk about, and nobody left at the party, Adam just started into Eves eyes.  He looked right into her soul.  He could see the real her.  Raw, naked and exposed.  And she let him.  Self-conscious, Eve always looked away at moments like this, but for some reason, not this time.  He stared into her deepest and darkest for what seemed like hours but was probably only minutes at most.  And then he leaned forward and kissed her.  A soft kiss on the lips.  And she was all to ready for this, ever since the night had begun.

Eve smiled.  She went ahead and in the cliché manner said, “Let me slip into something more comfortable.” She was all too ready to kick off her 4.5” fuck me heels that she had been wearing since 7 pm, and it was 4am now. Eve quietly and excitedly said to herself, “Mission accomplished” with a huge grim on her face.

They made their way to the bedroom. Adam grabbed hold of her hair and kissed her hard and they started making out.  And it was exactly what each of them wanted since the beginning of the night.  But Adam stopped.  He said, “I want to, but I can’t…” He took a pause.  Eve thought nothing good could come of this.  A few moments later, he resumed saying, “I have a girlfriend.  Well, a wife to be exact.”  And just like that, Eve’s birthday was ruined with heartbreak of what could have been.

Never again could Eve bring herself to drink Washington Apple shots because of the painful reminder of Adam, and all the possibilities he stirred in her mind.

Dream Girl


Josh had known Gracie almost all his life.  She was the girl next door.  They played together naked in the bath together (though they swear it never happened and have burned any and all evidence), played hide and seek, she was his first kiss on the play ground in kindergarden, and his first real kiss playing seven minutes in heaven at Betsey’s slumber party.  They grew up  in a town with white picket fences, a town where it was safe to ride your bike around town at 10pm at night if you were daring enough to break curfew, and a close knit community where it was impossible to keep secrets.  They were also high school sweethearts, and when they went off to college, Josh gave Gracie a promise ring. Nothing fancy, a plain band with Josh saying that he would be back for her hand after they graduated.  And he held his promise.  Two years later in their beautiful home town church they had a grand wedding and reception.  They planned on making their home there, but soon, Josh started getting an itch.  He wasn’t sure what it was.  But he knew he had to make it go away.

At first he thought it was his career, that it wasn’t going where he would have liked it to have gone.  That maybe he settled going back to his small town, and marrying Gracie so soon.  Not that he would have ever considered marrying the love of his life a mistake.  Being the understanding wife that she was, Gracie helped pack all their belongings and the couple moved to New York.  Josh was going to further his education finally get his J.D. so he could legitimately pursue his dream in politics.  NYU was about to get another student.

He felt much better after the move and the decision to go back to school and follow his dreams.  Though something was still nagging at him.  He wasn’t sure what this was.  He wrote it off as nerves.  After all, tomorrow was the first day of law school, and he wasn’t sure what to make of it.  He hadn’t made any friends in the city yet, and he was also nervous because he feared to be older than most of the students.  Josh had terrible insomnia for months and tonight was no exception.

He was making his way into the first of his classes, trying to pick a spot to sit down.  What he learned when he was away at college was that, where you sit the first day of class, is where you end up for the entire semester, so he was thinking that he better choose wisely.  The socratic method is often used, so he didn’t want to be too close to the front, but he didn’t want to be in the back either.  Looking around he found the perfect spot.  Not quite in the middle, but close.  As he was making his way there, he was looking down at his feet sliding over people, making sure not to spill their drinks or step on their backpacks, and he hit something, rather someone.  He looked up.  It struck him.  She was the one.

It was like lightening.  They looked at each other straight in the eyes as if they had been searching for years, but they hadn’t known it.  They couldn’t steer their eyes away.  They sat down simultaneously, next to each other, and both Josh and this mystery woman started to speak, giddily and nervously at the same time.  The manners his mother instilled in him, let her have the conversational right of way.  All she could say before lecture started was, “My name is Faye”  And he was sunk.  He swore he would never let go.

That night he slept more soundly than he had in the last few months.  He had found his dream girl.

Spring Break

It was the last spring break before Ruby and Daisy would head to college, both going their separate ways.  Ruby, always the more book smart of the duo would be headed towards the east coast towards Georgetown and Daisy was heading towards Cal State Dominguez Hills.  No, she wasn’t book smart, but she had plenty of street smarts and was looking forward to being out on her own for the first time without her parents constantly nagging her the “w’s”.  Those were the worst.  Who she was with, where she was, why she was late. Yes, all that was about to end, but she was also going to be separated from Ruby for the first time since kindergarden.

Somehow, Daisy was able to both her parents and Ruby’s parents into a real spring break trip.  She always had the touch that way.  She said that since they were already eighteen, and they were going to be on their own for good in a few short months, that this would be like a trial run.  Four short days in San Diego.  Just two hours away!  If anything went wrong, their parents could be there in a jiff!

Since money had never been an issue with either privately schooled family, the girls had reservations at The Westin for a junior suite and they were going to meet up with Daisy’s older boyfriend on the trip.  This detail had been left out of the plans when it was told to Ruby’s parents.  He went to a very conservative Christian school, with very strict rules.  It was like the movie Footloose, they weren’t even allowed to dance.  Ruby couldn’t believe a school like that even existed.  Sleeping with someone of the opposite sex under the same roof, also against the rules.  Drinking, listening to “crude” music, you name it, there was a rule.

That spring break, Ruby and Daisy, set out to break all of them.  And they did.

They went as soon as they got there to pick up Daisy’s boyfriend David, and he brought his friend Ethan because he didn’t want to stay on campus for the weekend.  Riding in Ruby’s wicked new red Land Rover, they immediately rolled down all the windows and pumped up the premium stereo and blasted some System of a Down.  They thought they were so bad ass.  First stop was at a liquor store.  Ruby and Daisy went in together, and they had been running this for a little while now.  They couldn’t be bothered with the two boys ruining their game.  Since Daisy looked older, she had the fake ID, and bought all the booze, but Ruby had a killer hour glass body, so she always wore something really low cut with an amazing push up bra, so if they were ever to take a second look, it would be right down her top and then she would make a big fuss about sexually harassment and they always handed the ID right back in a huge fluster and made the sale, sometimes even with a discount with a promise that no charges be made.

Riding off with their wine coolers and beer, they went back to the hotel, settled in, and broke onto the roof, and drank and danced to the music on their iPhones until they saw the sun come up.  It was time to head back down before anybody were to catch them.  It was obvious that Daisy was going to sleep with her boyfriend David that night, which left Ruby and Ethan to figure things out.  Daisy said she would stay with Ruby that night if she didn’t feel comfortable sleeping with a guy in the bed she didn’t know very well.  Trying to act bigger than her britches, Ruby shook it off, and said she could handle it, “No big deal Dais, go cuddle with that amazing man of yours”  So off they went, the two of them.  Lying in bed, Ruby kept telling herself, that this was fine, ok, and there was nothing to make a big deal over.  Well, Ethan must have been thinking the same and not so successfully because an hour later he was in the hallway, visibly shook.  When Ruby went to ask if everything was OK, he said he just needed to go for a walk.  So she went back to sleep.  By herself.  In the morning she woke alone, with Ethan in the bathtub cuddled up with some hotel towels.

Before taking the guys back to their college, they all went to a taco shack and had some mexican food.  Ruby and Daisy knew that this would be one of the highlights of the trip.  Not going to Sea World to see the otters or to the Wild Safari Park.  Authentic mexican food.  It doesn’t get much better than $1.99 taquitos.  And that was the memory the girls took home with them.

I am…

I am a fighter and a survivor.

I wonder how my life will turn out.

I hear pills rattle.

I see many possible futures lie ahead of me.

I want health and happiness.

I am a fighter and a survivor.

I pretend I am not sick sometimes.

I feel tired.

I touch my horses and cats.

I worry they won’t be with me long.

I cry at the thought of losing them.

I am a fighter and a survivor.

I understand the reasons why we can’t keep them.

I believe the universe has a plan for me.

I dream for a better life.  I try to keep my sanity.

I hope one day I can be normal, whatever that may be.

I am a fighter and a survivor.

Original Sin

It was Eve’s birthday, and all her friends and family had gathered to celebrate in the house she had just bought.  For Eve, it had been a good year.  She recently received a promotion at work, something she neither liked, nor disliked, but it gave her someplace to go everyday and the office gossip was always good.  Eve never added to it, but she always liked to know who was sleeping with whom, and when their boss was off the wagon so she could skip out of work early a couple of days early to finish decorating her new home or to catch some rays and he would be none the wiser.  His weapon of choice, Pisco.  It was a sure bet that when he came back from a business trip in Chilé that one of his benders would start up again.

The night of her birthday, everything was going smoothly.  All of her little touches were in place, everybody had noticed.  The music was going, people were drinking, dancing and having fun.  Finally everyone had arrived, and had been introduced to one another.  The reformed party girl could finally let her hair down so to speak and relax.  She ordered a Skinny Bitch, a vodka and soda, there was no reason to let all of her work at the gym go to waste for one evening of pleasure.  Eve was a big believer in self restraint these days.

Her best friend Alex had arrived arm in arm with her beau Erik and a gaggle of friends from his laboratory.  Among them was a man, Eve was sure he was her junior, but not by much.  He was different than those lab geeks.  He had confidence, self assurance, and charisma.  There was a magnetic connection she felt to him, but it was inexplicable.  She had never met him or had even said one word.  Eve was determined to meet this mystery man, and do anything possible to be on his arm, the way Alex was on Erik’s by the end of the night.  After all, it was her birthday.

She downs her drink, liquid courage, and heads their way.  They are all mingling together, the lab geeks too afraid to leave their courageous leader Erik, and Erik too afraid to leave his queen Alex.  They are all at the bar.  Perfect Eve thinks.  She tries so hard to give the mysterious man the once over with what she thinks are her “sexy eyes”, but instead trips over her long fit jeans with her four and a half inch heels and takes a tumble.  Eve gets up and enthusiastically announces, “Now that’s how you make an entrance! And I’ll have another Skinny Bitch, Alex?”  The two laugh like there is no tomorrow because this isn’t the first time something like that has happened.  The laughter is a tension breaker for Eve but Alex isn’t keen on her bestie’s plan yet.

Just as things start cooling down and Eve thinks that she has escaped the heat from her faux pas, she feels a tap on her shoulder.  Its the mystery man.  He exclaims, “I’ll keep on pretending that I didn’t see you the minute I came in, and we’ll let that be your real entrance.  It was quite the display!”  Eve is astonished.  She doesn’t get caught off guard very often.   Especially when it comes to men, and men noticing her.  “So, who might you be?” Eve retorts. “I’m Adam.  I’m work with Erik at the lab.”  “Adam and Eve, huh?  Don’t we make quite the pair?  Come on, I think I need a birthday shot, you don’t want the birthday girl to drink alone do you?”  He agrees and they head back over to the bar.

“Two Washington Apple shots please…”

…to be continued…